Turning the tables

A certain someone used to like comparing me with other guys of the same age or younger. The item of comparison was level of maturity. I do agree that at that point in time, I did not act mature, neither did I feel that there was a need to be mature. All I knew then was to be accountable to people I had to hold accountability to. Looking back in hindsight, I feel that I was already matured then. Why? Because, regardless of how I act, I had a mature mind with regards to my actions. Though not all the time but it was still some form of maturity/adulthood. It has dawned upon me that maturity isn’t how you act, it’s how you think/perceive the world/events/people around you. Of course, the more mature you are with the latter, you will definitely act mature in your actions and speech. It’s an inside-out equation not a outside acting documentary show. With this revelation at hand, I feel enlightened.

But here, I’m going to turn the tables on this certain someone. Being a new entrant into the working world, I meet a lot of people in my line of work. So, I was able to compare this someone with other people of the same age. I was really appalled by the stark difference the world presented me. Of course, this is the world (sinful in nature) but I’m talking about maturity here. I see younger people being more mature, more accomplished, more thoughtful and definitely a role model for others. Placing the someone side by side, it seems although they might be around the same age, but the disparity is like an adult and a teen. Some may argue, it’s the living, working conditions and lifestyle that shapes the individual but as we grow, there has to be a time when we outgrow a certain age group, reluctantly clinging on to a teenage worldview does not make anyone more mature than a teen trying to eke out his own existence in the adult world. At an age where most people are parents or soon to be parents, it’s really not helpful trying to be a teen. If you have to be a mentor to teens, it’s really no point being an overage teen, it’s better being a young adult for people to model/emulate after.

The world is realistic and pragmatic. Move on with the times and open eyes wide to look at how people of the same age act/think/speak. That way, growth/maturity will come quick.

Heh Heh Heh

There is no stopping this evil side of mine. When I show it, it’s really EVIL…

surprised?

Sometimes I feel surprised when I see how fast people bounce back from failed relationships and how long people take to get over their failed relationships.

1 month? too fast?

3 years? too long?

I wonder..

As for C

I know full well it’s impossible between us, though I did hope that some ‘miracle’ might happen. But I kinda like this form of chemistry that’s between us as of now. I have few girl friends whom I’m so close with able to bitch and talk crap. I think it’s countable with my fingers. The past few months with you has been great and I hope we can continue this ‘special relationship’ even after we graduate but then we are kinda miles apart. Well, in worst case scenario, there’s always facebook and gchat.

Different levels of interaction

It’s kinda interesting how there is this growing realization that there is a real difference when you have feelings for people of different ages.

With J, I have to make myself look/speak/feel older or sensible so as to portray myself as someone dependable and mature which is really sometimes hard for me to do. It’s not your fault but just I think it had to do the fact that she had so much more ‘life’ experience. I also gain an understanding that you aren’t the best for me. It’s not you but just that I was mistaken that I could see the whole world in you. Your character/emotional self was too large a contrast for me. Yes, I’d admit that there are some aspects that matched but the main thing about all these is that I could not be myself. I want to be silly old me with my lame jokes and antics not as someone fulfilling your expectations/mould of how you/your friends think your partner should be like.

With C, I know full well it’s not possible between us. But the type of interaction/communication we have is def another level. I can talk crap, make lame jokes, do stupid things and still get accepted for who I am because there is no way of how I should act around her. I feel MYSELF. I don’t even need to give long ‘theories’ on self-esteem or counseling sessions because she knows how to handle her own emotions. Of course, if we do become closer, I have to give her some form of emo support but that’s understandable in the context of the relationship (but that will never happen). The key thing here is I AM MYSELF! I don’t have to act. I feel schizophrenic when you(J) are around because 1) you cannot take my rubbish 2) I want to fulfill your expectations 3) you/your friends assess/evaluate/judge me.

Ok, enough of blasting but from now on, I know what I want and I’m sorry if I led you on for so many year. It’s my fault for trying but I must really admit that it was when I was immature and feeling a bit insecure. But I’ll still be a friend.

Crossroads

In life there are many what if’s. And sometimes you really wonder what would happen if you really took a different path and went ahead either with or without a plan in mind. Lately, I’ve been looking back at past issue and events (occupational hazard – lol) and I just ponder about all the what if’s in my life. However, looking at the other end – my future, it is also clouded with plenty of what if’s. I seem to be stuck at some crossroads of life, thinking about how I have come so far and thinking about what I need to go. Definitely, it’s impossible to turn back and backtrack but the hoard of experience that is gained by past falls and tumbles really gives a lot of archival knowledge to be considered before taking any of the paths ahead. Yet now, I have to make my mark on this crossroads as it is a major crossing and I just want this crossroads to be remembered by me that I crossed it with a resounding bang.

被牵着走的感受

It definitely feels terrible and now, I guess it would probably affect me to a large extent. I also want to hit myself on the head for being so gullible (dunno if it’s the correct way to describe) but I think I was a fool to begin with. I admit that there were those emotions and feelings and I did not deny myself from feeling ‘high’ from these emotions. But for every high, there’s bound to be a low and it’s now. I don’t know what is happening between us and I hate the way it is now. Maybe, it’s just me. I am clueless how to open my heart to anything because I keep it so hidden, so deep down and locked away. The more I try to run away, the more I feel it’s affecting us. But I’m not ready. not now, not yet..

Maybe you were expecting something that night.. but i’m sorry it did not happen. Once bitten, twice shy.. And so I take forever to do anything. Someone once said – Expectations sucks when it doesn’t materialize. I understand that but I don’t want to meet people’s expectations. I’m sorry.

PS – if this whole post doesn’t make sense, it’s probably 1) my thoughts are in a mess now, cos I don’t know what is happening. 2) I’m still hung over 3) you don’t know what has been happening.

some new thoughts

I think as someone matures, the idea of love and relationship changes. When I was young, I thought that to love someone means to protect her, to keep her safe from harm and if somehow she got hurt or something, I would be sad and ‘scold’ myself for not preventing it from happening. As I got older, love became something like to be with that person 24/7. That included non-stop talking to her online and offline and to also understand her well enough to answer everything about her. As I grow and mature, love became something like a guardian angel to her and now finally, love to me is to like someone but to also allow her freedom to do what she likes to do (but of cos it must be within what I can tolerate), and to also see her as an equal and not as someone to please or to take care of. We are suppose to complement each other, not to serve the needs of each other.

I think my notion of love would still continue to change but as for now, I would stick to the method of wait and see for my current situation.

supplementing the previous post

Somehow the current feeling is rather different than the previous situation. I don’t see myself under a lot of stress and I am able to be what I truly am – a crazy fool in love. Yea, I guess you all may laugh at this but it’s true. I don’t have to be under anyone’s expectations and I finally understand the difficulty with regards to age differences. Believe me, it’s really different interacting with people of different ages.

But for now, I think it’s best to keep it at where it is now, for I don’t really comprehend the ‘space’ and the parents’ take on this. So just wait for updates.

It’s funny how someone asked me today – Are you and her together?

My reaction was – umm no. Why do you think we are together?

reply – Cos you are always doing things together.

Hmm, I’m thinking hard about what I should do now.