It’s kinda interesting how there is this growing realization that there is a real difference when you have feelings for people of different ages.
With J, I have to make myself look/speak/feel older or sensible so as to portray myself as someone dependable and mature which is really sometimes hard for me to do. It’s not your fault but just I think it had to do the fact that she had so much more ‘life’ experience. I also gain an understanding that you aren’t the best for me. It’s not you but just that I was mistaken that I could see the whole world in you. Your character/emotional self was too large a contrast for me. Yes, I’d admit that there are some aspects that matched but the main thing about all these is that I could not be myself. I want to be silly old me with my lame jokes and antics not as someone fulfilling your expectations/mould of how you/your friends think your partner should be like.
With C, I know full well it’s not possible between us. But the type of interaction/communication we have is def another level. I can talk crap, make lame jokes, do stupid things and still get accepted for who I am because there is no way of how I should act around her. I feel MYSELF. I don’t even need to give long ‘theories’ on self-esteem or counseling sessions because she knows how to handle her own emotions. Of course, if we do become closer, I have to give her some form of emo support but that’s understandable in the context of the relationship (but that will never happen). The key thing here is I AM MYSELF! I don’t have to act. I feel schizophrenic when you(J) are around because 1) you cannot take my rubbish 2) I want to fulfill your expectations 3) you/your friends assess/evaluate/judge me.
Ok, enough of blasting but from now on, I know what I want and I’m sorry if I led you on for so many year. It’s my fault for trying but I must really admit that it was when I was immature and feeling a bit insecure. But I’ll still be a friend.
